I kicked her for the first time

I was restless that night! my room was completely dark. We all would have had such a day in our lives, the utterly solitary moments. That day I felt "This is the worst day of my life". Because, it was that terrible & I was going through a lot of pain, the pain of being alone. My tiny little brain raised millions of questions that night.

“Dear God! why are you even training me for this lock down”,

“Should I even be doing this after all this pain?”, “What am I doing this for?”,

“Would someone even be interested in answering me back?”,

“Does people have enough time to listen to my pain?”

The moment when I was clueless on whom to ask these questions, I felt a sense of someone’s touch just hovering around me. You know what, during our moments of struggle and pain, the very first person you miss much are your parents. I guessed, "that feel of pampering should be my Mom".

She was my one and only hope at that moment... I wanted to cry hard and tell her that I don't want to stay alone anymore.  I wanted to quit all these and get freed of my pain. But I had no clue. I had no clue on how to convey my love towards her and I had no clue on how to exhibit my anger towards loneliness. But the feel of my mom’s touch and the feel of her pampering me consoled me to sleep that evening.

Days & weeks rolled by... Reserved, restrained and a reticent kid to be.

After weeks of profound thoughts, one final day I decided to talk to my mom. I knew that was too early to disturb her. I wasn't sure if she would understand my language. But I was ready to make an attempt and share my pain and concerns with her, that too through the only language that I knew back then, “Sense of Touch”

I kicked her for the first time... Yeah! It was me at my mom's womb.

How many of us have attempted something after much struggle? All pain and tears will be overshadowed just by the element of joy “I have made an attempt”.

I was no different even as a growing fetus. All I could feel at that point was "I am no longer alone". By the other side of the wall, how sweet my mom was! she didn’t complain, rather accepted the pain with a smile and a song. I don't remember how long I slept that night, one of the peaceful nights I ever had. A night of no pain and complaints. The night that gave me an element of hope to stay in the race. In the other side, it wasn't the way of cross for my mom, it was even more painful, the labor pain.

Finally, the day arrived on a winter December evening. I can't wait to see my dad walking his life outside the hospital wardroom. With church bells ringing and people singing the Christmas songs, Santa’s gifts are waiting for me.

Dear readers, you all set to celebrate Christmas with me?

But hold on! The winter eve wasn’t easy for me or my mom.

I could hear my mommy crying and in parallel I couldn’t move an inch.

“Mommy! you fine?”

--“Yeah! I can feel that she is 'OK' ”

“Then, what has gone wrong?”

-- (silence around)

“But mommy! Am I fine”

-- “No! She isn’t responding me. I think I have a problem”

The doctors are explaining my parents and relatives about the criticality that normal delivery is not going to be possible. For the 2'k kids who wonder, “what big deal about cesarean”. In early 90’s, the success rate of C section wasn’t great.

After her son getting aborted and then a cesarean for her first daughter two years back, this cesarean is going to be a toss between life and death. But this woman without any second thought made her mind for the operation. She reminded me of her first life lesson yet again.

It was a war between life and death for both of us.

A war has a result and this time we won our life against death. With crackers bursting around the corners of the street and Christmas carols welcoming the infant Jesus, I was a surprise package. Glad, the doctor that day added an extra % in the success rate of C sections in India.

We both opened our eyes looking at each other. 'Woooohoooo!' That's my mom... She had no words & so was me (ROFL). The world seemed completely different, way beyond my imagination.

From pampering to crawling, to the tiny footsteps and then to walk and run. Years rolled by faster than days and weeks of my life in my mom’s womb, with much more problems and pain. Still, the force that drives me today is unarguably the strength that my mom gave me back in the darkest compartments of the womb.

Dear friends, our lives are no different from each other. Can we ever repay our mom for what she has done for us? We people have time almost for everything. Time for nonsense chats, worthless outing, parties & fun. But, how much do we give to this lady?

I kicked and gave her pain not just in her womb, I kick and boot her every single time when I get angry, every single time when I shout at her, every single time me not responding to her phone calls. But this time, my kicks are hurting her 100 times more.

We all do this isn't it.

We call ourselves as mom's pet, dad's little princes, blah blah! however, we keep kicking them intentionally or unintentionally being selfish. After a certain point, children see their parents as a disturbance.

But these premium creatures called parents accept those pain with a hope that “our kids are happy”. The only thing a mother wants is 'Happiness of her kids'.

art by Menaga